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Bieber’s Ego, Pope’s Hope Dove Chokes and Theft pops up – News Report

January 29, 2014 by hayden

I’ve started creating comedy news programmes. I do realise that some people like reading, listening or viewing so I’m going to start posting the text here as well as the video and audio. Enjoy!
Hello and welcome to News Report with me, Hayden Cohen. Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been doing some proper work. I know. Disgusting.

In the news this week, I was like baby baby baby oh… Like baby, baby, baby oh…. Like baby baby baby oh as world renowned lyricist… Justin Bieber was caught drag racing a Lamborghini in Miami. He resisted arrest and admitted to driving whilst drunk, high and having a whiny voice and arrogant attitude. He has now only been charged with resisting arrest as he has already been convicted multiple times for crimes against music. What really annoys me about this “story” is that I am likely to receive the most amount of views for any of my videos so far just because I’m discussing the adolescent wankery of pop’s most over privileged and under talented celebrity. It’s not a pop snobbery thing either. Pop’s great. It’s the smug self satisfied demeanor and the fact that, at this moment in time we have some truly amazing artists doing some incredibly amazing things, and that the supposed cream that rises to the top is a rich white boy who treats women like objects, cars like toys and the world like his own plaything. What’s even worse is that the media, and unfortunately I include myself in this, use his exploits as a way of generating views and with it advertising revenue. So in conclusion, Justin Bieber is fantastic and if you are belieber I look forward to reporting on him some more in the future. –
Justin Bieber Driving Charges Dropped – Sky News

At this point I would usually say “in other news” but instead I’ll say in proper news £6000 worth of Viagra has been snatched from army reserves. The drug to help increase blood pressure with the pretty useful side effect was only one of a number of items nicked including a rather large amount of silverware stolen since 2007. The ministry of defence described their chances of finding the perpetrators as “very very hard.” It had to be said. COME ON!… That’s what she said.Viagra Stolen

And finally two doves released by two children in the Vatican this week as an act of universal peace, have been mauled to death by predators in front of the religiously inspired crowd. The Pope took this as a sign that his messages of love and understanding being more important that homophobia and institutional child abuse were in fact wrong. He then began to blame “the gays” for the recent floods and Miley Cyrus for everything else until he was informed that the birds of prey were planted there by The Catholic League of America. The Pope said 50 Hail Mary’s as everyone pretended nothing happened and the children weren’t scared for life. For the purpose of balance part of that story may or may not be true in the same way that Justin Bieber may or may not be escaping prison time because he’s a celebrity. Pope and the Doves

Until next time, whether you’re a catholic or a soldier make sure you’re Belieber and click that subscribe button.